Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
