im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I CAN MOONWALK!
I think my fart just growled at me.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
