I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Sorry my hands just texted you
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
