hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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