Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
