The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
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She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
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Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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