in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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