Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
