after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
