somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
