Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
