My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
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