I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
