And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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