I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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