sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
