So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
