I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Randomize
