She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
