found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
