At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
