I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
Randomize
