You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Oh god it's open bar.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
