you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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