your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
