My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
