the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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