Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
