I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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