There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
