Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
