Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
