just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
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