so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
