dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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