i already hear my dad disowning me
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
