Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
