Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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