that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
