do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Who died my cat blue again?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
