I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
