Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
