Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
