I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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