he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
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I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
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I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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