she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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