My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
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