naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
