I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
