2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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