HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
